You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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