Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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