My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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