You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
