Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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