I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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