I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
