Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
