Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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