his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
