that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
