Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize