I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
