I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize