So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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