Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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