I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
