there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I would fuck him just for his dog
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
