"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
