sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
