one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
