so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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