I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
