Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
