i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
