Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
