I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
