She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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