I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
