Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
