Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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