you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Let's paint friendship bongs
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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