Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
