which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
