I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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