Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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