Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
