I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
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