Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
