First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
