I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
