he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
