I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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