Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
