well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
