Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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