So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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