my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
