I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
