I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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