don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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