That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
