This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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