I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
