His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
