I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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