She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
