I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
