I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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