I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
