Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
