Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
