You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
