She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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