your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
