Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
