you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
