Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
