I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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