I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
