someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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