you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
