i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
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