Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think your dad took our porno
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize