Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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